花样年华

最近...身边的朋友在感情上都出现了波折...

看着他们...哭...埋怨...憔悴...甚至冲动...

几天前...无意间听见...我哥在电话中苦苦哀求女友...不要离开...今天居然传出他要结婚的消息？

昨天...陪了elaine半天...她终于把东西还给前男友...然后去大肆庆祝回归单身的日子...

交叉在种种感情问题当中...顿时间发现...自己几乎麻木了...不知道该怎么安慰...不知道该说些什么...也不知道该有什么感受...只知道他们一定很痛苦...

或许自己也在感情边缘徘徊多年...从18岁的初恋...至今20岁...似乎已经不是很care爱情的存在...

算一算...我也谈过四场恋爱...

第一次恋爱 18 岁...或许是累了...不想在寻觅什么了...于是就把当时现成的对象...拿来当作恋爱对象...看得出对方很用心...不过我的感觉似乎也未到家...只是觉得总算不是没人要的那一个...所以我的初恋在短短的两个星期后结束了...没有什么初恋的青涩味道...更没有什么轰轰烈烈...或许是迫于欲望的纵使...让本该刻骨铭心的初恋淡淡的来也默默的结束...

第二次恋爱...是在第一次结束不到一个月之后就开始了...对方很好...很完美...几乎无懈可击...没什么能挑了...只是...我们都知道...彼此之间...不能长久...因为...我们都会在生命的不同阶段开始各奔东西...前往不同的未来...记得对方曾说...让我们就珍惜现在吧...至少将来也不会后悔...更不会纠缠着对方...就在现有的空间里...记住对方的脸孔...老来如果还记得对方...也算是对得起对方了...我也曾心动...曾不想去幻想空虚的未来...去珍惜现在...去保留回忆...去年少轻狂一次...不过...事实并非如此...或许是我天生悲观...没办法接受一段金玉其外...一段还没开始就已经画上句号的感情...我没那么宽容...我需要的是一辈子的安全感...或许是我自私...或许...我根本就不该将自己缠绕于这分瓜葛...所以...我决定斩断这分孽缘...所以在一个月后...我就带者自己走出来了...我没有哭...因为知道...如果呆得越久...伤得更深...

第三次恋爱...是最长的一次恋爱....维持了两年...可是间中断断续续...分分合合...所以具体的来说...应该只有一年的时间...不知道为什么开始这段感情...似乎是想忘记上两次不开心的恋爱经验...所以需要对方来撩伤...或许是我自私...怎么能够找个人来填补心中一个空虚的位置...看得出...对方很用心...很痴情...可以为了我...做出种种改变...不停地等...可是...我的心始终无法腾出接受对方的空间...即使曾经努力接受对方...或许是相信该找个爱自己比自己爱对方更多的对象才是幸福的...所以...决定一头载进去...却没想到居然把人家伤得那么重...因而决定...该是时候挣脱了...随着学业的结束...我也就把这分不该存在的情感埋葬...是我自私...是我任性...看着对方受苦...心也很寒...因为曾经也在对方的位置上...为了别人...痛撤心扉...所以...现在决定...习惯一个人的生活...学习独立...退伍后...应该会到澳洲念书...离开这里...给自己机会...更让生活...有所希望....

第四次恋爱...是在第三次断断续续间中....的一次...第一次...与小我那么多的对象拍拖...对方的思想...包含了年少的敢死精神...叫人羡慕...不过也叫人不敢接近...第一次发现原来自己老了...与年轻一辈有了明显的代沟...我决定离去...或许是希望对方能够成熟些...或许希望...给对方多一些时间去看看世界...总之...我们真的不适合吧...至今...第三与第四的恋爱对象或许都还没放弃等待...不过...我不等了...等个空虚的影子原来受伤的不只我一人...还是包起行囊...把不该遗留的情感...在漫漫路途中...慢慢地舍弃...去接受自己...去学会怎么爱自己...才来谈及感情的事吧...或许我一辈子都不会在谈恋爱了...不过...我还是得学会去爱自己...接受自己...

至于我哥...我诚心的祝福...我想他不是一个受传统礼俗约束的一个人...或许连酒席都不摆了...这样也好...没必要公布天下...有时候...早婚...也会被指指点点....

还有...跟我同龄的一个朋友...也打算明年结婚...不知道她是不是认真的...不过看得出她很痴情...只希望她不要踏错一步....其实...还在看玩笑说以后她的孩子都要让我做干爹...不过我倒是希望她不要那么早生贵子！先尝试甜蜜的二人空间吧...孩子...就让他等着吧...

或许...很多人会骂我玩弄他人感情...我不介意...因为真的做错了很多决定...这些绝对不是什么年少轻狂的尝试...而是人...以生据来的常识...或许我真的太傻了吧...或许我...真的不适合...恋爱...

道德

记得...之前在上梁老师的课时...他常会问...何谓道德？

最近...又在网上屡次看到设立...博客道德准则的报导...当然...是谁提倡的我也不多说...

总觉得...世人...始终在玩弄道德...以致今时今日...道德界线已经变得十分模糊...

道德...在我看来...很多时候可以是单纯的心理认知...

不过...我渐渐发现...原来道德...有时候可以成为操使...他人的一种强大的工具?

为什么会有邪教的诞生？很多人都说他们疯了...有没有想过这或许是道德理念的一种鄂相...

因此...当有些“道德“理念变成了一种强制...人们当然会想找些空间、平台去释放...去干些平日中肯定没法干的事...

而随着博客的诞生...人们开始抒发...看法...思想...当然...有些想法...是大家供认的不道德...

不过更多的是...这种心声...常常属于灰色地带....

这些心声是压制了多年的苦水...它是偏心的不过也透露了草民们的看法...

而当你用‘不道德’来强制驱逐这些看法...那是道德吗？透明性真正存在吗？

这么看来...道德不过就是一个用来掩盖操纵手法的名誉...让人信服...更多的时候是叫人服从...

因此...渐渐的...大家少了博客的平台...或许又会回到当初的机械化...少了创意...少了想法...少了感性

我想...道德...最终也不过是个游戏...你玩得起吗？

i'm done....

so over and done with it.....

those sleepless nights drowning with avalanches of work....

those times spent on brainstorming, memorising theory and typing endless essays....

im saying goodbye for the moment...but i know we'll sure meet again....

sure... i loathe it.... but yes... i miss it... somehow?

i wonder what's next?

aussie? local? but am sure im not gonna miss out on my loving country =..=

ha... a long journey indeed....

met up with a junior just now....

heard her woes.... reminded me of what i went through when i was in her shoes....

this year... has been an exceptionally odd year for me.... so odd that it changed my whole angle of perspective...

was it the attachment? or was it just me? the people i've met this year... has been anything but uninspiring....

never fail to intrigue me.... never had a moment where my mind wasnt working...?

so...this is the process of growing up i suppose?

ive learnt to be nostalgic... even though i've always been.... ive learnt to hold onto the past.... not letting it go....may not be a good thing.... but it keeps me calm.... for sure....perhaps it was the endless drama ive been going through....

one thing that i'll always remember....

attending my dad's wedding....

how weird is that? i dont know? but i really do wish him happy.... although i'd really like mum and dad to stay together.... but i know its just not possible anymore.... guess... i need to stop hoping....

getting drunk... seriously dead drunk....

im not sure if it was the wedding? or if it was the tough times i was going through then.... but it was just a concoction of bad stuffs all mixed up in one night.... so it led to endless servings of wine... and the next thing i know i fainted and vomited in a cubicle... alone.... scared.... jaded....

crying in the middle of the night.... on streets...

no... not just whimpering or tearing.... it came with screaming and gibbering... i've reached a breaking point i supposed? but it felt so good surprisingly.... i felt liberated.... and i had friends.... with me.... that's when i know im not alone....

insomniac.....

it just never stop haunting me.... i've a really active mind i figured... probably all the stress i've been through are eating me up finally.... got so serious.... that i'd be witnessing breaking dawn for a week...

so its 2008.... and no it wasn't good like i expected it to be... it sucked....and 2007 wasn't any better.... i've always thought the alternate good years would work on me.... but no... it didn't...

was i running away? no... i sure know i wasnt.... and i do need a get away.... some quaint beaches would be ideal.... but some moolah would be needed.... i don't know how am i gonna find it? doubt it'd just fall....

i don't want a holiday.... i need it.....

i wanna count the stars by the beach late at night.....

and wake up in the morning with the salty breezes running through my hair.....

have breakfast as the symphonic waves rush through the shore....

read under the cozy sun and enjoying the time between me myself and i....

wait for the golden sun to hide beneath the horizon....only to see the moon still shining cheekily at the other corner of the endless sky....

run myself through the bath.... singing.... playing.... relaxing....

sit myself in the middle of the room... mediating....

and finally wait for the waves to rush me into my wonderland.... just like how they rush through the sea....

alone or what.... i miss the quiet times i had in bintan 4 years ago.....

新的人生旅程....新的形象

慢慢习惯

最近...因为天时地利人和...似乎是老天有意考验...独处的时间多了...

着几天...一个人吃午饭...有时晚饭...喝喝茶...感觉真的很好...偶尔打开笔记本...写下当下的感觉...觉得生活原来也可以那么精彩...

考试之前...与曼姐去看了看灯饰...

开始慢慢找到喜欢拍的令一项类型...建筑

喜欢这种白茫茫的感觉...


发呆的曼姐...

1...2...3...抬头...按快门...照片...就出来了...特别 unglam

很凶的曼姐...

自从拆了牙套之后...常觉得...自己笑不好...不自然...于是叫曼姐示范...

这次轮到我...it's been heavily photoshopped to achieve this slightly natural look...不想多说...

突然即兴...来照了张 sk-II 感觉的照...

应酬....
这是我老板...很能喝...而且有种女中豪杰的感觉...

这次其实是我第一次应酬客户...也不知道这算不算得上是应酬...总之...感觉好怪...说不上是不舒服...或许...是因为天生脸皮就薄吧...

双年展...等了那么久...终于抽出时间去看了...错过了06年的...这次也差点就错过了...
总觉得...这次好像有好多好多的艺术家都采用了...天下无不散之筵席的主题...这个满地肥皂的展示...也让我有雷同的感觉...肥皂...慢慢一天一天地化掉...衣服再干净...也仍会再次被污蔑...而肥皂...总是用不完....

这一座本是一座用白糖雕塑出来的缅甸庙...结果...经历了短暂的雨季...现在...所乘的也不过是一片狼圾...我们的一生...到底为了什么而活...所追求的是欲望...是梦想...有时候...这界限...已很难用一条直线给它画出来...直至...一切结束...才发现...原来忙了一辈子...也不过是为了一场空...

很喜欢这个构思...织好的棉...被慢慢一丝一丝地抽出来...象征...繁华生命的结束...或许...最近天灾人祸的新闻太多了吧...大家...开始深信活着的有生之年或许能够见证世界末日的降临...都开始慢慢思考...生活的价值了...

aaahh我喜欢这种...感觉...

这让我想起一首歌...转吧七彩霓虹灯....

猜猜这是什么？

是幻觉吗？

诡异吧...

其实这些都是我们常扔的垃圾...为什么会把垃圾给扔掉...因为诡异？因为是幻觉？因为少了利用价值?

灯泡...突发奇想...似乎从古至今...人们一直都好想延长寿命...从火苗至蜡烛到灯泡...不过真的有永生吗？

如果有一天...小叮当...的任意们出现了...你想前往何处？

放飞梦想的感觉

很多时候...我们就象这婀娜多姿的舞着...常常为了生存...无不使出各种绝招...拨名誉...拨金钱...最后大家的生活都快脱臼了...

很喜欢的其中一件艺术品...好绚丽...叹为观止...

你也被困于心中的凌辱吗？

说不出来的喜欢....

来到了科学怪人的研究室...

被废弃的房间...虽然少了一分人气...却在隐约中透露了被寂寞的悲伤

这让我想起在06年双年展的另一件艺术品...很有潘朵拉之盒的感觉

叫人叹为观止...惊人之作...画家...将颜料一丝一丝地图上去...所须的耐性...不是你我他都能坚持的...

我很喜欢的一项展出...这是一片盐田...没想到...是多么的平静...与美丽...原来多姿多彩的调味料...也能如此的平淡...

或许在不久的将来...世界末日...降临后...遥远的外心人...也会来到地球...降落于狮城...

个人觉得才貌具全的艺术品...很有美感...里边漂浮的是一本诺贝尔文学奖名著...不过...如果不首人们理解...也不过是种肤浅的象征...

或许...当世界末日真的降临之后...这地球或许又能再次地享有难得的安宁...而这时...又有谁能够真正地去享有这分难得的平静？不过...有人在的地方能真的安静下来吗？

只需要一场大火就能把五彩缤纷的森林烧成毁灭...人生也不过如此...

不相信？

其实...人生的导火线...数不胜数...那当初...又何必种下祸根?

以致最后后悔默及