变性、变心？

今天，在网上看到了一篇与变性人有关的专访，其中访谈里的主角说了一句让我印象非常深刻的话。

“这个社会，常常把变性的人看成是非常低级的人，觉得他们爱泡夜店，过着不正经的生活。所以我一定要成为一名成功的变性人..."

或许你我都曾经或仍然对变性人持有类似的意见与歧视，不过我很好奇的事，何谓不正经呢？

很多时候，在大街上看到变性者、同性恋者我们都难掩心里的抗拒与排斥，大家的自然反应往往都是负面的。

我在面对类似情况时，也会不自觉地回避与暗自咋舌。

我想，会投以如此不成熟的反应不过是在隐藏内心里的不足与不完美。

我们常常都未能看到自己心理上的不完美，因此当别人的缺点赤裸裸地展现于大众时，我们就竟可能地讥讽、排斥与攻击。

其实，大家也不过是在逃避自己的不足，自己在生活、感情、工作上的的逃避。因此当看见街上终于有人大方地接受自己的不足的时候，心里的顾虑与回避，往往都能紧紧地捉住我们，不让自己陷入接受自己不足的窘境。因为这会带来恐惧，黑暗更重要的是别人的眼光，所以我们选择逃避，去谴责这些所谓的 "懦弱者"，不过真正懦弱的又是谁？

改变，并不等于接受，不过要接受就一定要改变。更切切地说就是得要改变自己的心态而不是自己的心灵。我们的性格与思想常常都被脑海里的自觉给催眠了，因此呈现出了一副又一副的面具，这些面具往往都是能被社会接受的一些面孔。从此，我们变得封闭，自悲与自悯，但是我们却不想跳出自己渐渐围起的墙，因为带着面具能够得到接受、认可等 "安慰"。

这真的是勇者之为吗？

回到主题，难道变了性就等于变了心吗？

他就不是原来的他了吗？还是你选择了以不一样的眼光来看他？

你能够接受一位真正接受自己的勇者吗？

Running away...

for years, i've been running away from the cruel fact itself...

i've settled for it.... for my comfort zone.... teaching...

just because i've failed once in design...?

why does it saps so much of me out?

i chose not to go through long sleepless hours and instead opted for a much routine schedule life... teaching....and ignored that those long sleepless hours were the joy and happiness of my life...?

what took me so long to figure all these out?

for almost 5 years, i've been running away... despite being inspired by so many media personalities all my life... news anchor, dj, writer blah blah blah...

and what made me took up the teaching job?

conformity? nope.... it's no longer about me doubting myself.... doubting my families... my friends....

they were nothing but supportive.... it was me who chose not to look at the big picture... to choose something which i wouldnt mind doing it for the rest of my mind... instead of something which i'd love to do it for as long as possible....

i was all the source of my problems... it was nv my relationships with others... what boils down at the end of the day... its still myself...

i was once so in charge of my own life.... but doing something im not convinced in...only made me passive and doubtful about my abilities.... im so not made up for the teaching industries... why didnt it occur to me much earlier? well for the longest time... i've been talking to myself... to a point i was hypnotizing myself... pretending that i love the job....

but what do i really like? i like photography for sure... i like writing for sure... see bam! full pack... a reporter would be so much more appropriate for me than being a teacher....but of course id like teaching too....

but not based on technical skills... but based on past experience... based on what i went through... it took me so long... took me so much... to realised that the reason why i felt empty was becoz i wasnt heading towards the right direction....

i need to overcome this... but i will not give up teaching... at least for now.... i've promised my kids and i will have to do it... but in the mean time... i know that i'd stay out of the education industries for awhile... before im really tired over the media....

this is what i want.... it can be seen frm my looks... my creative appeal... my skills... these are all prominent signs.... and yet i chose to ignore all of them... how funny =)

片段

忙...真的好忙...

累...真的好累...

这时，才惊觉！原来....快两年了...

这两年的回忆...仿佛由许许多多的不同片段组成...

片段性的生活...或许少了一分规律...一种节奏...

但也增广见闻...

到过的地方...尝试过的事物...或许是许多人都未曾接触过的...

从义安...教育部...教育学院...到现在的执教...这断断续续地拼凑...让我对人生有了新一番的体验...

最明显的感触...就是察觉到了...工作的责任除了在满足自己的喜好...也得对很多的其他人、事、物负责任...

当然...主导的不再是自己...学会接受...看透...并习惯...

或许这是个坏习惯...当接受压力...换来的就是把自己孤立起来...

曾想孤立生活...却发现是一种逃避...因为心灵根本未能接受独立的快乐...

或许是因为...埋葬于心里的真实已消失...取而代之的则是无间断的沉默...

现在...我正纳闷的是自己真的开心吗？忙得开心吗？

放下了许多包袱...开始面对一个少了“躯体的壳“

当然...眼泪是通行前最好的洗礼...

我想...自己最未能接受的还是自己...因此选择了不规律的生活...让自己选择忙碌...去麻醉自己的孤寂...

精神粮食：魅，the art of flirting

很贴切的旁观者...

进入一段恋情...从刚开始...窃窃私语...到最后的切身之痛...

电影让你对现实的沧桑抱满希望...却也透视出梦幻里的浮夸...

不禁会让你疑问...自己真的羡慕一段童话吗？

我还是选择天真地相信...或许...这带来的创伤更为剧烈...

不过...人生...总得这样跌跌撞撞几回...才会开始珍惜身边的人...

或许...该学会祝福...淡淡地...渐渐地...去释放...释怀...

不在乎...最后一通电话...的内容...不再傻傻等待...

不过...若真爱过...谁会舍得...

好心酸...的一部电影...却也真实得可怕...或许梦幻的爱情不过就是一场心酸的恐怖片...

入殓师

从未如此接近过死亡...

忆起...三年前...亲人离去的种种片断

当时...觉得时间似乎停止了...

觉得时间不该继续跳动...觉得还有他还没准备好...等等他再继续往前好吗

直至封官的那一刻...才发现...秒针已经停止跳动...在他生命之中...少了时空的局限...

然而在现实里...每一分...每一秒...每一分钟...仍然不顾一切地象奔驰的骏马...前进着...从不等着后头的人...

即使摔跤了...下车了...时间仍不停地前进...多少人曾想制止时间...为的就是夺得那永恒的掠夺...

或许...大家要得不过是...时间等等未完成的自己...

城市

都市里的动脉...常常令人觉得不可思议...

似乎冥冥之中早以安排就绪...就等着当事人献身...

今天在外时...遇见了两位旧同学...都快好几年没见了...

nothing's changed...though everything changed....

这都市...严格上来说...其实不大...

大的是自身的网络世界...以为大家都在线上...所以甭提什么见不见面的...

久了...大家都淡忘了彼此...话题少了...多的..也不过是些嘘寒问暖...

尴尬的笑容...招手...回想起当初熟略的默契...不禁让人觉得可笑...

原来...自己走过了那么多生命旅程...

过时的友谊...会否发酵...或发烂...往往由不得时间来决定...

而当事人...本身...很多时候...却还是心有余而力不足...